Something Worth Running For

I sit here on my deck this morning, flowers in planters, the sun shining, my dogs taking lazy dog naps by my side. I think back on the last, six months in wonder and awe. Not long ago, I was talking to my friend Michelle, both of us wondering how in the hell we were going to change our lives for the better. How were we going to manifest this life we wanted where we were happy? Just happy. Not much more. Just happy. And fulfilled.

I sit here today with so much joy in my heart. I have been infinitely blessed to take such a journey across oceans and beyond. What I’m about to tell you is just a tiny piece of the greater, more brilliant picture:

Two months ago, I set out on a journey to find myself. Well, we say “find myself” when we’re not really sure what it is we’re seeking—or what, exactly, we’ll find. And I did find myself. I found myself and so much more. You see, when you travel alone, the mere thought is somewhat daunting. You think: how can I keep myself entertained? What about going out to dinner? Won’t this be lonely? It is lonely at times. It is hard to keep yourself entertained sometimes. But it is in these quiet spaces of solitude that your soul begins to speak to you the loudest. You begin to ask yourself questions like “Why do I feel lonely? What does this loneliness want to teach me?” and “Is it bad to feel lonely? Is it okay just to be by myself? If I’m afraid of going to dinner alone, what am I really afraid of?” Finally, you begin to realize that there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of; the entire process of questioning yourself and answering yourself is a gift. There is nothing you need to be doing at any point in time, and you can decide whether or not you’ll tour the Vatican today—or tomorrow. It doesn’t matter; it’s all your choice.

You learn to become your biggest advocate. You learn that, if you want an answer to something, all you need to do is ask. When you’re in London and you need to figure out why your Oyster Card isn’t working, you just ask the attendant, and guess what?! He or she will help! It’s not that big of a deal to not know something. And to think you were scared to ask that question only moments ago becomes such a silly concept that you can’t believe you were just going to try to read the confusing train schedule screens for another ten minutes, trying to divine the meaning from it that you apparently can’t understand at the moment. You learn to Google shit. If you need a doctor and you’re sick, what do you do? You figure it out. There are not many more options than relying on your own skills of self-advocacy in moments where you have no one else to rely on but yourself. And guess what? You do figure it out. You find a doctor who is kind, professional and does house calls. You get your medicines. You go grocery shopping and buy your comfort foods—even if it’s in an Italian supermarket.

You learn how to slow down and take care of yourself. You learn not to judge yourself when all you need is a day in bed watching crappy Rom Com movies. You become more gentle with yourself as you take your time to stroll through the magical streets of Trastevere. You understand that just being in a place like Athens is a huge part of the experience, and that you don’t have to chase-down the experience to feel like you’ve actually been there. Lived there. Enjoyed it there. You decide to do things like take an entire day to get “lost” on the island of Malta, not really knowing where the hell this teeny, tiny, ridiculously sloped and cramped road will take you next. And poof! It takes you to a seaside village, a gorgeous beach, breathtaking cliffsides, a church in the middle of nowhere. You get out, stretch your legs, wander over to take pictures and get back in the car and go. You end up befriending a Maltese gentleman and his dog, Lola, and end up hanging out with him and his family for the evening. You learn how to say some swear words in Maltese. You learn that you don’t really need your GPS after all.

It’s strange to think that all these things have happened to me in such a short amount of time, that I met so many beautiful souls along my journey that it’s hard to keep track. At each turn, I was met with the exact person whom I was met to befriend at the time. Even though not every person whom I came into contact with served me with the best of intentions, each connection beheld a greater lesson. A jewel of wisdom.

There is a story I’m brought to from Rumi, a 13^th century Sufi mystical poet, that captures the sentiment of my message:

The master speaks of a den of riches, where many precious jewels can be found. In abundance, they lie, patient and yet ready to be claimed.
“Go, scoop them up!” urges the master. The devoted ones look up but cannot see.
“Where are the precious jewels?” they cry, “for we cannot find them anywhere!”
The master gazes lovingly at the devoted ones and responds kindly, “In service, my beloveds, you shall find the jewels through service. For what is the soul but the finest and most precious of heavenly jewels? What is service but the scooping of the soul that does not lie lost, nor unclaimed, but instead honored for all its precious worth and beauty, tended to until it becomes vibrant as a flawless ruby, radiant with the joy of living.”

That’s it, really. The simple joy of living. When you travel to new places on your own, you discover how you can live in joy. In the moment. In harmony with wherever the moment takes you.

If I could number and categorize each time I met someone—whether that be a group of new friends at dinner, a chef who shares with you the experience of his own death when his heart stopped at the age of 27, the nice lady at the gelato shop who was going to let me pay the next day—I'd have a book full of people to tell you about. And they all were there at the exact moment I needed them to be. They offered me something so special, so important. They offered me pieces of their souls, those divine and precious jewels.

My friend Narda said something that struck me as I traveled, and it holds true to this day. She said that when you meet someone soul to soul, you allow them to meet you with their soul. And it’s true. There was the quiet and strikingly beautiful girl in Malta at the Ryanair check-out desk who looked at me with the most loving eyes when I told her the story of my life over the past year (in about 50 words or less). She told me, with the most genuine brevity, that God will bless me a thousand times over in my future. She just could feel it. She made me cry, and we only met for a few minutes. 

There was Lorenzo, an Albanian immigrant in Greece, who gave me a ride home when I couldn’t find a ride back to my neighborhood in Athens. He did it out of the kindness of his heart—30 minutes away from where we were—and he taught me how to say “thank you” in Greek and in Albanian. We didn’t exchange any information, but I will remember him forever. There was Vasilis and his wife, who took me in and treated me as though I was a long-time family friend and treated me to Greek, cold cappuccino in the heart of Athens. I drank up both my (oh my god so good) cappuccino and the experience, learning so much about how giving and open people can be simply because they also see the good in you. There was Sophie who I met in France; she became my Kiwi little sister when she joined my brother, Matt, and I in Dublin for two days. Theo in Malta who took me out dancing, and I had the absolute best time ever. There was Yannis in Greece who invited me to the Greek countryside and to experience, for the first time, “naturalism” (yes, that’s PC terms for being on a nude beach). Not only was he the ultimate gentleman, but he also treated me to dinner, sent me home with his own honey (he’s a beekeeper on the side, by the way—I love it!), and then talked with me at length about my future professional goals and plans. There was Sacha in Rome who took me strolling through the magical streets of Travestere and inspired me to stay there when I visited Rome for the second time. 

There were Lauren and Louise in London who took me in and treated me like a newly found bestie as we sat at the pub afterhours on a rainy Sunday night. Christopher and David who gave me the history of Jack the Ripper and fretted over me traveling alone—and to make sure I stay safe! Ana who I met up with for dinner on a whim after we’d only connected with one another through a mutual Facebook group, and we could’ve stayed and talked for hours if only I wasn’t tired from site-seeing all day! How could I forget Dan and Lee who I joyfully met in Rome along with their group of friends one night, as I asked them “what should I get for dessert here!?” We instantly connected, and as it turns out, they don’t live very far away from me back in the states (and I hope we can get together this summer, too!). Alena and Charles from Malta who let me play with their dogs, made the most amazing curry, and hosted me like a family member in their condo in Mellieha. Jesmond who adopted me like my Maltese uncle who rolled me cigarettes and drank beers with me as he taught me how to say some pretty awful things in Malti. My friend Joanna in Israel who was the ultimate hostess and overall genuinely kind-hearted, warm and giving as she shared her knowledge of Israel and her home with me. There, I met Chris and Rick who took me to Jerusalem for the day. Ingrid, Joanna’s friend, who is a beautiful, special soul who I hope is embracing her new life-path. Eliran who took me out in Tel Aviv and told me I had beautiful eyes—but meanwhile, I couldn’t stop looking at his beautiful eyes. Yeah. Le sigh. 

There was my amazing friend, Joe, who met me in London for the first time and had the guts to travel with me all the way to France for holiday. God, I am so lucky just to know her and be friends with her! I had such an amazing time laughing and talking with her that I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. 

I crossed paths with so many amazing people that I know I’m forgetting to mention many of my encounters. The thing is, I know, now, that the abundance that I seek in life is not simply found in riches. True, having savings and being financially stable is what I need to maintain in order to be grounded to reach my next step, but…having these moments of meaningfulness like these gives me more sense of abundance than if I were to have a real, genuine ruby instead of meeting each person. And the coolest thing is that if I were to return to these places and see my friends again, that’s exactly what we’d be: friends. I have friends in countries all over the world now. And they, like diamonds, are precious things that I will undoubtably treasure forever.

Wherever the journey brings me, now, I know that I'm ready. I trust myself now in ways that I never did before, and I feel more at peace with being with myself than I ever knew before, too. Over the past year, I've been challenged to let go of specific expectations, both of myself and others. Yet, I didn't really know what that meant, to fully "let go" of what I thought I wanted or needed in my life. True, I still seek love and companionship, but it's not something that feels like it's missing. It's not an empty ache of lack in the absence of someone lying beside me at night. When I set-out to find myself, perhaps that's just what I did. I found myself and my self worth, as well as the worth of making connections with others. That's the paradox, I think, of traveling alone to find yourself. You begin to realize that human connection is the one, true thing that makes each experience feel like it's worthy of having, and so it becomes a game of seeking pleasure in solitude, but also finding connection when your heart desires it most along the way. 

If anything, I know I've carried all of you with me, those who are near and dear to my heart. Someone told me, before I left, that they thought I was running away from something. Perhaps a feeling of being lost. Perhaps a sensation of wanderlust. Perhaps heartbreak. Probably all three. And maybe I was running away. Maybe I did need a break from the harshness of reality--shit, we all do! I look back and think that maybe I was running, but I needed to run. I'm so glad I did. Because what I've found? I've found that I don't have to be afraid to come back. I don't have to be afraid to go. I don't have to be afraid of where my wanderlust takes me tomorrow. And that, my friends, is something worth running for.